Hominid See, Hominid Do

An excerpt from The Book of Soulless Animals

An insincere but nonetheless charming voice says, “Welcome to the only inter-species game show, Hominid See, Hominid Do. The only game show where different variations of hominids compete to answer questions about being the masters of their domain. ”

“And now the host of Hominid See, Hominid Do, Greg Gracious. ”

“Thank you Brent, ” says Greg Gracious. He is your normal looking game show host, wearing a cheap suit, with a full shiny head of hair, white teeth, and a smile that just gleams. His chin looks like it is chiseled out of granite and is absolutely fake looking. Greg gives his most honest smile for the home audience. This homo sapiens who could be a robot and is not entirely pulling off the human look, smiles as the insincere voice says, “our first contestant became extinct some time about 100,000 years ago, give or take 10,000 years. He is thought to be the predecessor of modern Homo sapiens, he uses tools, communicates with grunts and broken words and is over seven feet tall, please give it up for Homo erectus. ”

There is the sound of canned cheering, as if a radio disc-jockey hit a button.

“Our second contestant is a species that is believed to have communicated with body language, this species, a side-shoot from Homo erectus is thought to have become extinct as little as 30,000 years ago. He is stocky. He is beefy. He is more muscular than a professional wrestler, he is otherwise known as Neanderthals. ”

An even louder cheer rose up from the canned audience.

“Our third contestant is currently alive and living in Oakland, California, he is a petty street thug, weighing in at one hundred and eighty pounds. He stands 5’11 inches tall, is a member of the gang G14 and of the species Homo sapiens, please give it up for Warrez. ”

There is little or no cheering from the canned audience. There are a couple of hoots.

A spotlight appears on Greg Gracious as he says, “Okay gentlemen, you know the rules, you will be given a question, the first to buzz in and answer it correctly wins a certain amount of bananas, the contestant with the most bananas will go onto the bonus round and win a grand prize. ”

“Before we start let’s take a minute to meet our contestants, shall we? ”

“Contestant number one what is your name? ”

“Me, Sky, ” the rather tall hominid with the sloped forehead replies.

“And where do you hail from? ”

The hominid is rather perplexed.

“You sky, me game show host, ” the Greg Gracious explains.

“Me stay Hollywood, California, Where you stay? ”

“Me stay Red Earth, ” Sky finally replies.

“Okay contestant two, name and specialty? ”

“Clubber, ” the Neanderthals says, “Club Food, ” he explains.

“So you’re Clubber, and you club food. May we see a demonstration? ”

Clubber does not answer. He stares defiantly ahead.

“Okay, contestant three, your name is Warrez and you’re from Oakland? ”

“Yeah, I’d like to give a shout out to my hommies, Yeah we gonna git us some hoes tonight wit all this mad cheddar. ”

“Okay then, let’s play the game. ”

“Are you ready? ”

Only Warrez nods. Both Sky and Clubber are staring into space.

“Our first question is worth only ten bananas. ”

“Of all species in this game show, which of your species refuses to live inside the laws governing nature? ”

Warrez buzzes in, “Dat would be dese two fools right here? ”

There is another buzzer. “That’s incorrect, ” says the Greg Gracious.

“Any ideas? ”

Sky buzzes in, “Me sky. ”

A buzzer goes off.

“I’m sorry that’s incorrect. ”

“Anyone else? ”

The Neanderthal Clubber buzzes, “Sap, ” he says pointing at the game show host, “Sap Talk to Sky. ”

Sky looks over at the mention of his name.

“Sap Drink crazy Drink. Sap See Spirits. ”

“Sap, ” Clubber says simply.

“Will the judges accept that? ” Greg Gracious asks. A bell starts ringing.

“Yes, they will, that’s ten bananas awarded to Clubber. ”

“Okay next question is worth twenty bananas. ”

“Who has dominion over the sky, earth and heavens? ”

Warrez rings in, “That’s got to be a Homo sapien nigga like myself. My momz made me read me Bible. ”

Another buzzer goes off, “I’m sorry that’s incorrect. ”

A minute goes by and no one says anything. Both Clubber and Sky stare listlessly into space. Finally a buzzer goes off, “Oh I’m sorry the answer we were looking for was God or the gods or any mention of a divine being or creator. ”

“Okay, the next question is worth ten bananas. ”

“Which of your species according modern religious values would be the only one blessed with a soul because of the ability to reason? ”

Warrez immediately rings in, “Oh this one gotta be Homo sap bitch. ”

There is a bell ringing, “You are correct, ten points awarded to Warrez. ”

“Ah yeah, ” Warrez says celebrating, “I’ma buy me some steaks. We gonna grill and part-tay. ”

“Okay the next question is worth thirty bananas. ”

“Which of your species was the first to use tools to better your lifestyle? ”

Warrez rings in, “Umm…that gotta be my man Neanderthal. ”

The buzzer goes off, “I’m sorry that’s incorrect. ”

Sky accidentally hits his buzzer.

“Yes sky, ” Greg Gracious assures him.

“Me sky, ” the Homo Erectus recounts.

A bell goes off, “The judges will accept that, Sky is awarded thirty bananas. ”

“Man this be some bull-shit, I’m losing to a monkey, ” Warrez comments.

“Moving on, this next question is only worth ten bananas. ”

“Which of your species is believed to be responsible for the extinction of the other two species including Australopithecines or the monkey man? ”

Warrez rings in. “Homo sap…Homo sap…Homo sap, ” he says doing a little jig.

A bell rings, “That is correct, another ten bananas for Warrez. ”

“Alright, the next question is worth thirty bananas. ”

“Are you ready? ”

Warrez nods, the other two hominids continue to stare into space.

“Which of your species have been on the planet the longest? ”

Warrez rings in immediately. “Homo sap…Homo sap…Homo sap, ” he says doing the same arrogant jig.

A buzzer goes off, “I’m sorry that’s incorrect. ”

Clubber rings his buzzer, “Sky people, ” he says pointing to Sky, “Old as Dirt. ”

“Sky People Old as Dust. Sky People Old as Sky, ” the Neanderthals explains.

A bell rings, “That’s correct, another thirty bananas. ”

“At the end of the first round we have Neanderthals in the lead with forty bananas, followed by Homo erectus in second with thirty bananas and Homo sapiens in the basement with only twenty bananas. Who’s smarter you be the judge? ”

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