SCENE THREE: “SODOMY BAD, INCEST O.K.”

PREACHER

Genesis. Chapters 19 and 20. There came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom; and Lot, seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground; and he said, Behold now, my lords, turn into your servant’s house, and tarry all night, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they entered his house; and he made them a feast, and they did eat. But the men of the city compassed the house round; both old and young, all the people from every quarter; and they called unto Lot, and said unto him Where are the men which came to see thee this night? Bring them out unto us that we may know them.

(BANGING ON THE DOOR. LOT ANSWERS.)

LOT
Yes? What is it? (CROWD BEGINS MUTTERING) Can I help you?

SODOMITE
Lot, youse got a couple really good-lookin’ young guys stayin’ wit’ youse. Me and the boys from Sodom, we’d like to know ‘em.

(CROWD MUTTERS ITS AGREEMENT)

LOT
I’m sure my guests would like to meet all of you, but they are just preparing for bed. Perhaps tomorrow they can meet with you all.

SODOMITE
We don’t want to meet ‘em, we want to know ‘em. That’s know in the biblical sense.

LOT
I see. I really don’t think my guests would be interested in that.

SODOMITE
We’s the ones wit’ the interest. Ain’t that right, boys? (CROWD AGREES) Now, bring ‘em out.

LOT
But these men are my guests! I can’t let the gang of you–

SODOMITE
Bring ‘em out, or we’ll come in and get ‘em. (CROWD IS ANGRY)

LOT
But you can’t, you just can’t! Those men aren’t ordinary men. They’re (PORTENTOUSLY), they are angels.

SODOMITE
Angels? Hey, I never had an angel. (TO THE CROWD) Any of youse guys ever done it wit’ an angel? (CROWD SAYS NO) Would youse like to give it a try? (CROWD SAYS YES)

LOT
I’m not sure that angels are equipped for what you have in mind.

SODOMITE
They eat, don’t they?

LOT

Oh, my yes. They feasted well at my table.

SODOMITE
And after they eat, they–

LOT
I suppose so.

SODOMITE
Then, what’s the problem? Come on, boys!

LOT
Look, fellows, I’ll make a deal with you.

SODOMITE
No deals! We need immediate relief for our condition.

LOT
But at least, hear my proposal.

SODOMITE
Yeah? What is it?

PREACHER
And he said pray you, brethren do not so wickedly. Behold now, I have two young daughters which have not known men; let me, I pray you, bring them out to you, and to do ye to them as is good in your eyes; only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

DAUGHTER
(AGHAST) Dad! What are you doing? You’re going to give me and little sister to that bunch of perverts? Dad. No! No!

SODOMITE
Hey, youse guys, what do you think? (CROWD SAYS NO)

DAUGHTER
Dad, don’t do it! Don’t give your loving daughters to that mob! There are hundreds of them. And they smell bad! (CROWD REACTS ANGRILY)

SODOMITE
No deal. Virgins are a glut on the market here in Sodom. And they aren’t worth much in Gomorrah, either.

PREACHER

And they said, “Stand back. Now will we deal worse with thee worse than with them.” And they pressed sore on Lot, and came near to break the door.

ANGEL
(YAWNING) What’s going on here? I was almost asleep.

SODOMITE
Hey, pretty boy! Me and my friends here, we want to know you and your buddy.

ANGEL
Know in the biblical sense? I don’t think so.

LOT
You’d better do something before they do something. (CROWD MUTTERS, AS IF READY TO CHARGE THE STAGE)

ANGEL
How about this? (GESTURES MAGICALLY. CYMBAL RUMBLE AND CRASH)

PREACHER
And he smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great so that they wearied themselves to find the door.

SODOMITE
Hey, who blew out the lamps? Guys, bring some light over here. You can’t see? I can’t see, neither! Someone give me a hand. We got to get out of here. My mom always said it would make me go blind. (END CROWD NOISE)

ANGEL
That takes care of that little problem. Now, I’ll go fetch my companion–

LOT
Do you angels always travel in pairs?

ANGEL
Not always. Why do you ask?

LOT
Just wondering.

ANGEL
Well, enough questions. We need to get you and your family out of here, because the bowels of the earth are about to open on Sodom and Gomorrah.

PREACHER

And the angels said unto Lot, I will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the Lord; and the Lord hath sent us to destroy it. And when the morning arose, the angels hastened Lot, saying Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters which are here, lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city. Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; lest thou be consumed.

DAUGHTER
Dad, Mom and I loaded a couple of the camels with our stuff. What’s happening to ol’ Sodom?

LOT
Don’t look! The Angel said not to.

PREACHER
But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

DAUGHTER
(MOTHER LOOKS BEHIND HER, FREEZES IN HANDS-OUT GESTURE) Dad! Look at Mom! She’s turned to stone. Solid alabaster.

LOT
(TASTING) No, she’s salt. One good rain and she’ll be a total melt down.

DAUGHTER
But what did she do that was so awful? She just looked back at the only home she’s ever known.

LOT
When the Lord God gets really angry, everybody needs to watch out. Well, get a sack; we’ll take a piece of Mom along so we can to remember her when we eat the evening meal. (BREAKS OFF AN ARM)

PREACHER
The sun was risen upon the earth when Lot entered into Zoar.

DAUGHTER
So, this is Zoar. Little Sister, keep away from that man. Don’t let him touch you!

LOT

Evil. Evil are the men of Zoar. (TO PASSERBY) Get away, get away from us!

PREACHER
And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him, for he feared to dwell in Zoar; and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.

DAUGHTER
Sure is lonely up here in this moldy ol’ cave, just you and me and little sister. Can’t we go down to Zoar, just for a visit?

LOT
Evil! Zoar is an evil town. We must stay away.

DAUGHTER
But Dad, how am I going to find a husband if I don’t meet any men? There must be at least one good man in Zoar.

LOT
None of the Zoarites are good in the sight of the Lord. They are all evil, evil.

DAUGHTER
But aren’t most men evil? Remember, when we were back in Sodom, you offered to throw me and little sister to all those Sodomites for a gang bang?

LOT
That was different.

DAUGHTER
How was it different?

LOT
It just was. Now, shut up and go fix my supper.
DAUGHTER
It won’t taste very good. We ran out of Mom last night. Dad, don’t you want any grandchildren?

PREACHER
And the first-born said unto the younger, our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us as after the manner of all the earth.

DAUGHTER
Dad, have you tasted that jug of new wine? If it’s ready, I’ll serve some with dinner.

PREACHER
Come, let us make our father drink wine and we will lie with him that we may preserve seed of our father. And the sisters made their father drink wine that night, and the first-born went in, and lay with her father, and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

DAUGHTER
Good morning, Dad. How did you sleep last night?

LOT
Pretty good, I guess. My head feels like it’s going to blow up; that new wine sure has a kick to it. How much did I drink?

DAUGHTER
(A SECRET SMILE) Quite a bit, I guess.

LOT
Daughter, did anything out of the ordinary happen last night? I had the strangest dream.

DAUGHTER
(A LASCIVIOUS CHUCKLE) Nothing you need to worry about, Dad.

PREACHER
And it came to pass on the morrow, that the first-born said unto the daughter, Behold, I lay yesterday-night with my father; let us make him drink wine this night also; go thou in and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

DAUGHTER
Dad, there’s still some of that wine left in the jug. Tonight, suppose you and me and little sister have ourselves a party.

PREACHER
Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

(MUSIC)

Cliff Ashby – Copyright 2004

(Note: If you would like to use this script, presented in six scenes, please leave a note for author Cliff Ashby at The Eloquent Atheist, in care of the editors. The script is copyrighted, and presented with permission of the author at The Eloquent Atheist)