The play consists of several scenes, featuring different Bible characters. An Evangelical preacher introduces each scene with a quotation of scripture, and also comments throughout the play. A stage manager occasionally holds up cue cards, to let the audience know if they should boo, hiss, cheer, etc.

This play was first performed at First Unitarian Universalist Church in Lubbock, Texas. Note: Though children are featured in the play, adults played the roles.

For permission to use, please contact Cliff Ashby by leaving a note at The Eloquent Atheist, which the editors will forward to him.

SCENE 1: “ELISHA AND THE SMART-ASS KIDS OF BETH-EL.”

THREE GROCERY BAGS FILLED WITH STYROFOAM ROCKS ARE GIVEN TO FRONT-ROW MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE, WITH INSTRUCTION TO HURL THEM AT THE BLASPHEMERS WHEN CUED. FRONT ROW IS SPLIT MALE AND FEMALE; THEY PROVIDE APPROPRIATE CROWD NOISES WHEN STAGE MANAGER HOLDS UP CUE CARDS.

PREACHER: (AFTER OPENING LARGE, IMPOSING BIBLE) Will the children come down for their lesson? Second Kings, Chapter Two. “And it came to pass as they still went on and talked, that behold there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven. And Elisha went up from hence unto Beth-el. And as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city.”

FIRST KID
Hey, Elijah, where you going?

ELISHA
Hello, children.

THIRD KID
Tell us where you’re going, Elijah.

ELISHA
I’m Eli-SHA, not Elijah. Sha.

SECOND KID
Elii- sha! Sha! Sha.

THIRD KID
You’re wearing Elijah’s mantle.

ELISHA
He dropped it, and–

FIRST KID
And you picked it up. You stole it, you stole Elijah’s mantle!

SECOND KID
Thief! Thief!

ELISHA
You children need to show some respect for your elders.

FIRST KID
Why didn’t you give it back?

ELISHA
Elijah had no need of it after he stepped into the flaming chariot.

SECOND KID
Into the what?

ELISHA
The chariot of fire, drawn by fiery horses.

SECOND KID
Fiery horses? Give me a break!

THIRD KID
Where was he going in this fiery chariot?

ELISHA
To heaven. A whirlwind descended, and he was drawn up to heaven.

FIRST KID
He flew up? Old man, you’re full of it!

SECOND KID
Look at me. I’m flying, I’m flying!

(CROWD JEERS AND CHILDREN PANTOMIME FLYING)

FIRST KID
Hey, look at Elijah’s mantle. It’s all wet. Did it get wet in the fiery chariot?
(CROWD LAUGHS.)

ELISHA
I’m not going to waste my time talking to you ill-mannered tatterdemalions. You
should respect those who are your seniors.

THIRD KID
We respect our seniors, but not a crazy old man who sees flaming chariots and
horses of fire.

SECOND KID
And whirlwinds!

ELISHA
You brats are really beginning to irritate me.

FIRST KID
Just tell us how Elijah’s mantle got so wet and muddy.

PREACHER
And he took the mantle of Elijah that fell from him and smote the waters and said,
Where is the Lord God of Elijah? And when he also had smitten the waters, they
parted hither and thither, and Elisha went over.

SECOND KID
And you got mud up to your knees. You went down to the ford and waded across.

ELISHA
Look, you spawn of the devil , get out of my way. I have the Lord’s work to
accomplish.

THIRD KID
Where you going, Elisha?

FIRST KID
Yeah, tell us where you’re going to do the Lord’s work.

ELISHA
I’m going to Mount Carmel.

SECOND KID
To prophesy?

THIRD KID

To talk with God?

ELISHA
I’m going to say this one last time. You imps of Satan must learn to respect your
elders. Didn’t your mothers ever teach you that?

FIRST KID
Show respect for a crazy, clothes-stealing old coot?

SECOND KID
A looney that sees fiery chariots in the sky?

THIRD KID
And flaming horses?

ELISHA
Listen, you Beth-el brats, this is your last warming!

PREACHER
They mocked him and said unto him, “Go up, thou bald-head, go up thou bald-
head.”

FIRST KID
Hey, Baldy, put a hat on. The glare from your dome is blinding me!

ALL KIDS
(CHANTING) Baldy! Baldy! Baldy!

(CROWD JEERS)

ELISHA
All right, you fatherless ragamuffins, now you’ve done it; no one makes fun of my
hair!

PREACHER
And he turned back, and looked at them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord.

THIRD KID
You call that a curse? My little sister curses better than that!

SECOND KID
Look! Over there! (BEAR GROWLS)

PREACHER
And there came two she-bears out of the wood.

FIRST KID
A bear! (BEAR GROWLS)
THIRD KID
Two bears, and they look mean!

ELISHA

All right, bears, show these urchins the meaning of the Lord’s curse.

(GROWLS GROW LOUDER, MORE FIERCE. CROWD SHRIEKS.)

FIRST KID
Run! Run for your life!

SECOND KID
She’s got me. CRY OF AGONY.

FIRST KID
Run for it! CRY AS HE IS CAUGHT. MORE GROWLS

THIRD KID
Tell Mother I died bravely. (CAST SCREAMS AND MOANS IN MORTAL AGONY)

ELISHA
(COUNTING AS BEAR GROWLS CONTINUE) Twenty-seven. Twenty-eighth. All
right, mother bears, that’s enough of your rending. Leave a few to tell what
happened.(GROWLS) Thirty-four, thirty five–you! The bear on the right! I said, put
him down! (DISAPPOINTED WHINE)

FIRST KID
Wow! I thought I was a goner.

ELISHA
Thirty-nine, forty. Back to the woods with you, ladies, and thanks for a job well
done.

PREACHER
They tare forty-and-two of the children.

FIRST KID
(SEATED, AS MOTHER HOVERS OVER HER) I tell you Mom, it was a slaughter.
There must be a hundred kids lying dead out there beside the road. Ouch! I know
you’ve got to wash off the bear slobber, but that soap really stings. Put some of
that balm of Gilead, here on my arm where she bit me. Ooooh, that feels better.
Ouch! Easy! I tell you, Mom, I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not going to ever again
smart off to my elders, no matter how crazy they are.

PREACHER
And Elisha went from hence to Mount Carmel and from thence he returned to
Samaria.

MUSIC SIGNALS END OF SCENE, PERHAPS A SINGLE CHORD ON PIANO

Cliff Ashby – Copyright 2004