SCENE FIVE: “ABRAHAM RENTS OUT HIS SISTER / WIFE – TWICE!!”

PREACHER
Exodus 12, 13, 20: And there was a famine in the land; and Abraham went down into Egypt for the famine was grievous in the land. And it came to pass when he was come near to Egypt, that he said unto Sarah his wife, “Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon.”

ABRAHAM
And don’t forget that Egypt is a wild and savage land.

PREACHER
“Therefore it shall come to pass when the Egyptians see thee that they shall say, ‘This is his wife,’ and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive. Say, I pray thee, that thou art my sister, that it may be well with me; and my soul shall live because of thee.” And it came to pass that the Egyptians beheld the woman and that she was very fair. The princes of Pharaoh saw her and commended her before Pharaoh, and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house. And he treated Abraham well for her sake….

ABRAHAM
(NOW AN OLD MAN) Pharaoh and me got along pretty good. Nice fellow, that Pharaoh.

PREACHER
And Abraham had sheep, and oxen, and he asses and she-asses and camels.

ABRAHAM
I was doing pretty good for myself. But there was a problem: Jehovah didn’t like my nice Jewish wife bedding down with an Egyptian.

PREACHER

And the Lord plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarah, Abraham’s wife.

ABRAHAM
Sarah, what are you doing here? Are things all right at the palace?

SARAH
Things are fine at the palace, but we’re in BIG trouble.

ABRAHAM
Oh? What happened?

SARAH
Pharaoh found out I’m your wife, and threw me out.
ABRAHAM
Oy! I’m a dead man. What is it with Egyptians and other men’s wives? Pharaoh marries his sister and that’s kosher, but a wife is poison. Didn’t he believe you were my sister?

SARAH
I am your sister, but that’s not the point.

PREACHER
Abraham said, “Indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife.”

SARAH
Sister shmister. It’s wife that counts with Pharaoh. (ABRAHAM SHADES HIS EYES AND LOOKS OFF) What are you looking for?

ABRAHAM
Pharaoh’s hit squad should be arriving about now. First, the dungeon, and then–

SARAH
Not to worry! Pharaoh doesn’t want you dead, he wants you gone out of here.

ABRAHAM
(INCREDULOUS) Yeah?

SARAH
He’s afraid if he messes with you, you’ll get Jehovah to send another one of those awful plagues. He just wants you out of Egypt.

ABRAHAM

And all the presents he gave me, the camels, the kine? He wants them back?

SARAH
You can keep everything, so long as you are gone by tomorrow.

ABRAHAM
The he-asses and she-asses?

SARAH
No problem. Just get your asses out of Egypt!

ABRAHAM
Well, we’d better go home and start packing.

SARAH
It’s lucky we don’t have any children to worry about.

ABRAHAM
I’ll have children. Jehovah promised me.

SARAH
Yeah? Abe, you’re seventy five years old, and you got a problem.

ABRAHAM
Seventy five is not old. I’m good for another hundred years, at least. Anyway, it’s your fault there aren’t any children, otherwise, you’d have Pharaoh’s little brown babies running around the place. And don’t tell me Pharaoh’s got a problem.

SARAH
Pharaoh? (SMILES REFLECTIVELY) No, he doesn’t have a problem. (A SUDDEN THOUGHT) Maybe it is my fault.

ABRAHAM
Well, not to worry about it. You’ll get a fruitful womb when Jehovah says it’s time. Sarah, how was it with Pharaoh?

SARAH
What do you mean?

ABRAHAM
You know.

SARAH
None of your business. You men, you get off on imagining your wives with other men. Leave me out of your fantasies.

ABRAHAM

Think I should stop by the palace to say goodbye?

SARAH
Better not. Pharaoh’s as mad as I ever saw him. He might change his mind and sacrifice you to that jackal headed god, the one that gives me the shivers just to look at. Abe, I don’t get it; you marry your sister, you tell lies to everybody and get me in bed with Pharaoh. So what happens? Jehovah punishes the poor Egyptians, and you get rich.

ABRAHAM
Jehovah likes me. I’m his prophet.

SARAH
Jehovah is not a very good judge of character. (SIGH) Well, what happens now?

ABRAHAM
We’d better get packing. I’ll get the men servants to round up the livestock if you’ll take care of the house. Tell Hagar to pack my belongings. She’ll know what to do.

SARAH
Abe? Are you doing any good with Hagar?

ABRAHAM
None of your business.

PREACHER
And Abraham went out of Egypt, he and his wife and all that he had, into the south. Abraham was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.

ABRAHAM
I hear there’s good land in a country south of here, a place called Gerar. It’s ruled by a rich young king named Abimelech. I could find good grazing there, but. . . .

SARAH
(SUSPICIOUSLY) But there’s a problem?

ABRAHAM
Gerar is a wild and savage land.

SARAH
(STILL SUSPICIOUS) Like the wild add savage land we’re just leaving?

ABRAHAM

I would need to make friends with King Abimilech, get him to offer some protection.

SARAH
And how do you do that?

ABRAHAM
I need to make him a present, not just silver or gold, but something personal, something that will bind us together.

SARAH
No! No, no, no! Abe, I won’t do it. I’m tired of being a whore. Go pimp for somebody else! See if Hagar turns him on.

ABRAHAM
Now, Sarah, I

SARAH
Pimp! That’s all you are! A pimp!

ABRAHAM
Well, if that’s how you feel, I’ll just have to take my chances with the thieves and murderers in Gerar.

SARAH
Is it really that dangerous?

ABRAHAM
Yes it is, but you needn’t bother. There is a chance they won’t kill me and take all my riches. It’s not a good chance, but–

SARAH
And if they kill you, it’s all my fault. Go ahead, lay a guilt trip on me.

ABRAHAM
You don’t need to worry about me, your husband. I’ll be all right. Probably.

SARAH
You miserable bastard! Abe, if I do this for you, go back to being your slut of a sister, do you promise it’s the last time?

ABRAHAM
Sure, Sarah. Absolutely. I knew you’d see it my way.

PREACHER
And Abraham said of Sarah, his wife, “She is my sister.” And Abimilech, the king of Gerar, sent and took Sarah.

SARAH
Abe, there’s trouble. Abimilech won’t come near me. He says Jehovah spoke to him.

PREACHER
God came to Abimilech in a dream, and said to him, “Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man’s wife.” But Abimilech had not come near her; and he said, “Lord, wilt thou slay also a righteous man? Said Abraham not to me, ‘She is my sister,’ and she, even she herself said, ‘He is my brother?’” And God said unto him, “Yea, I know that thou didst this in the integrity of thy heart.”

ABRAHAM
Is the king mad at me?

SARAH
Mad? No, he’s scared to death of you.

PREACHER
Abimilech, restore the man’s wife; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for thee, and thou shalt live; and if thou restore her not, know thou that thou shalt surely die, thou and all that art thine.

ABRAHAM
I guess Jehovah really put the fear of God into him.

PREACHER
And Abimilech took sheep and oxen and man servants and women servants, and gave them unto Abraham and restored Sarah to Abraham.

ABRAHAM
The king sent you with all these presents for me? What a deal!

SARAH
I said he was afraid of you, terrified that your God will let loose another plague.

ABRAHAM
Well, we’d better got home and start packing. Again.

PREACHER

And Abimilech said, “Behold, my land is before thee; dwell where it pleaseth thee.” And unto Sarah he said, “Behold, I have given thy brother a thousand pieces of silver.” For the Lord had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimilech, because of Sarah, Abraham’s wife.

ABRAHAM
I better tell Jehovah to stop with the plagues.

PREACHER
So, Abraham prayed unto God, and God healed Abimilech and his wife, and his maid servants; and they bare children.

ABRAHAM
Sarah, I hear there’s another rich kingdom a little way to the west, but it’s a wild–

SARAH
(PLAINTIVELY) –and savage land. Abe, you promised. No more of this extortion racket. Please?

ABRAHAM
Maybe you’re right. It’s time we settled down, stopped this wandering. If I’m going to have as many decedents as there are stars in the sky, I’ll need to start reproducing.

SARAH
You mean you’re finally going out of the rent a wife business? Thank Jehovah! I’m tired of sleeping around.

ABRAHAM
Sarah, will you have Hagar fix a little supper and bring it to my tent? I think I’ll go to bed early tonight.

SARAH
(CALLING) Hagar! Fix a supper for the old man. And see if you figure out what turns him on. (REPLY) You have? (REPLY) You are? Well, congratulations.

MUSIC

Cliff Ashby – Copyright 2004

(Note: If you would like to use this script, presented in six scenes, please leave a note for author Cliff Ashby at The Eloquent Atheist, in care of the editors. The script is copyrighted, and presented with permission of the author at The Eloquent Atheist)